Diary of a Bi-Polar Man

In a Singular World

Tuesday, June 9, 2015… (In response to a call from a business associate wanting to meet to discuss how to work on the business that is currently floundering…)

I don’t know why

I suddenly can’t function

When I look alright.

Forgive me world, but I am having a very difficult time functioning in your game right now.

I feel deeply saddened, and I don’t know why…

     I try to do the work thing… to make money… to provide

           For me and my loved ones

And I tell myself to do it this way… to use your skills and just do it.

But in the moment, I don’t know how to make that happen.

Yes, I have done this one thing for over 25 years… and I ought to be good at it…

      But the rules keep changing… too quickly….

             The tools keep changing…. Too rapidly….

   And try as I might anymore, it is getting too difficult for me to keep up

                             And work in a field that has become too complex

                                       And sometimes too corrupt for me to be who I am anymore.

If I had a broken arm, and the job asked me to lift beyond my limits,

     Would it be an issue?

            If I had a broken back,

  Would I be asked to pack any burdens?

In a game where my brain is needed, I have a broken mind right now…

                                        In this moment.

I have a hard time thinking.

I have a hard time solving issues.

I have a hard time feeling happy…

     And I don’t know why.

I am bipolar.  When I am on the higher side of this I can create… I can communicate…

              I can function in this world of games and illusion,

   But when I am on the lower side… every step becomes a nightmare,

                    And letting people down becomes just another reason

     To hang on to the guilt that is tearing me apart anyway.

I am trying to heal.  I have been dealing with this issue all my life.  I have been able to keep a family over 36 years, and to some extent keep a business going for about 15 years now… not well, and lately hardly at all.  Most folks with this diagnosis have a hard time making it day to day.  Lately that is where I am finding myself.

I am trying to function in a world that is passing me by.  I need time to heal, but I can’t take the time because I don’t have the money.  I can’t figure out how to make the money, because it is tied up in the dis-ease… tied up in trying to do the very thing I have been doing for years that is beginning to make less and less sense to me.

I don’t know where to turn.

I don’t know what to do.

I feel like everything right now coming out of my mouth is an excuse to not try.

I’m trying to run this race with a broken leg that no one can see…

    And quickly losing site of the finish line.

BKB 6-9-2015

Sometime in Spring, 1975.  I have decided I am going to be a writer when I grow up.  I have titled my book:  “A POET’S JOURNAL” and I have also written (in my youthful bravado) my own forward:

FORWARD -- DEDICATION

1975

“Dad,

(said the little guy...)

when will I become a man?”

And Father,

putting on his coziest smile

(to cover the thought that he couldn’t quite tell his boy...)

said quietly...

“Son... In a few years you’ll be off on your own,

but son - don’t expect to be a man then.

You see son,

a man isn’t measured by the years he’s walked,

the lines he’s talked,

or the dreams he’s listened to.

Years can be lived, and never tried...

lines can be told and then denied...

and dreams often go with the evening tide...

but don’t let your hopes remain inside...

Keep on growing child.”

And the little guy, putting on his coziest look of amazement

(to explain he didn’t understand a word dad said,)

said warmly...

“Dad, I love you!”

“I love you too, Champ...”

Looking Forward...

This book is dedicated to all the champs, like myself,

who need to know that growth doesn’t end

with years or miles.

We need to grow forever.

Within... maybe a year or so of questions and wonders...

and sometimes answers.

My growth -

In ways...

to share with you...

on growing...

                    And then I began a Journey that took me through Heaven and Hell…