Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Friday, October 14, 2011
THIS HAS BEEN HIDING IN MY COMPUTER... IT IS TIME TO SHARE.
In my quiet times of writing, I began to listen to "The Still Small Voice" that whispers to my heart. As I dropped my own story, and listened to soft music, and closed my ever chattering mind and opened up my ever curious heart, I began to hear and record words like I am about to post. This particular writing comes from Halloween Night, the year 2006. I began recording many recordings like this back in the early part of the century.
As I read the anger and frustration and venting that have come into our internet world, and the many human predjudices I find thrown all over in the press and in our worlds, I thought it was about time to let the ones I love (humanity and Earth) hear what "The Gods" think of us...
October 31, 2006
Sananda/Palpae and Sanat Kumara Energy essences combined with the energy fields of the Regency Star Councils send greetings this hour:
On the Nobility of Mankind
The species calling themselves “humankind” are a violent and often irrational species. It is taught among much of their literature that they are a fallen and sinful people. They are a proud people, and stubborn. They war and fight amongst themselves, they judge harshly. They are cruel to their neighbors. They are merciless to themselves. They are often deeply depressed, discouraged, and full of woes and sorrows.
Why do the Higher Beings, then, concern themselves with this species of life that is so embittered and lost? Of what value are they?
Deep in the past of our combined histories the seeds of separation of mankind from their fellow Galaxy members were sown. Many eons ago, long before your recorded history, your soul energies found separation from that of the greater Brotherhoods and Sisterhoods of Light Beings. You began to live in a world of illusions and dreams. You began to see yourselves as separate from the rest of your galaxy, and from the rest of your universes. In dreamscape, you found yourselves on a small spinning orb at the far reaches of the Milky Way Galaxy, on the third planet from the Star Sol, on a little rock called “Earth.”
For thousands of years now, you have gazed out at the stars and wondered if anything were beyond you. You have created “Super beings” in your literature and scripture… both of Honorable and nefarious character. You have surrounded yourselves with the duality of both hopes and shattered dreams.
You mourn, you struggle, you weep… yet you, for the most part, then pick yourselves up and courageously walk into another day of your mortality. Within each and every last one of you is the spark of something that feels so beyond you in most of your waking moments. Yet it plays in your dreams, and weaves its soft webs around you in your unconscious states.
When it all gets to be too much, you come out, and you look to the stars. You look to the skies, and in your solitary hearts, you open your souls to the gods you have come to understand. In the darkest of your hours, you turn to that which is beyond you… intuitively. You seek that which seems beyond you for answers.
And in love… we hear the deepest moments of your hearts… your noble, blessed hearts and souls of wandering. And our souls are overcome with a deep compassion for you… all of you. And in deep honor and respect we send every ray of light and hope that we can offer you, for you are worthy of all that is.
You have forgotten, though. You are so young… so tender… and so unable, often, to see the very signs of our love all around you. You sleep with your eyes wide open, lost in the daydreams of lands of horror and terror. You are caught up in the webs of fear and despair, and know not where to turn for solace.
Children… little children of our deepest desires… it is written in your hearts. You have played long enough in the outer world of illusions and false hopes. Turn now to the inner song… to that which you have turned away from for aeons. Turn into your inner soul, begin the journey inside your memories, beyond the illusions of your current story, and look deeper into the past, and the pasts before those… for you are eternal beings. You have always been.
Do not complicate the process of learning “God Knowledge.” Let go of all of your descriptions and personalizations and generalizations of that which you fear or hope as God. God simply is. You simply are. Accept. Accept also, that all around you, all you see, is God. With this simple vision, it becomes painfully clear that your battles against each other are your battles with God. Does this not bring some clarity into the reasons for the misery of your lives now? What would happen if you were to turn from your fears of that which is beyond you and within you, and in simple honor, you embraced that which once brought you pain?
Would you not begin to find compassion? Would you not begin to find understanding? Would you not begin to find healing?
Would you not begin to finally realize the Godness within each and every thing that abounds? And with this knowledge, how would your world change?
We stand in waiting, willing, oh so very willing for you to drop the fears in your hearts, and turn your very honorable faces into our love/light embrace. We stand waiting to take your soft hands into ours, and walk with you into Joys you have long forgotten. For you are us… seed of our love… love of our hopes and dreams. We stand in waiting because you are, deep within each and every last soul… a noble race. You are Children of the Stars.
You have only forgotten. We stand, awaiting your remembrances of us… awaiting your awakenings. You may see embittered and vain and hopeless beings. We see the embryos of the Gods.
Remember.
As I read the anger and frustration and venting that have come into our internet world, and the many human predjudices I find thrown all over in the press and in our worlds, I thought it was about time to let the ones I love (humanity and Earth) hear what "The Gods" think of us...
October 31, 2006
Sananda/Palpae and Sanat Kumara Energy essences combined with the energy fields of the Regency Star Councils send greetings this hour:
On the Nobility of Mankind
The species calling themselves “humankind” are a violent and often irrational species. It is taught among much of their literature that they are a fallen and sinful people. They are a proud people, and stubborn. They war and fight amongst themselves, they judge harshly. They are cruel to their neighbors. They are merciless to themselves. They are often deeply depressed, discouraged, and full of woes and sorrows.
Why do the Higher Beings, then, concern themselves with this species of life that is so embittered and lost? Of what value are they?
Deep in the past of our combined histories the seeds of separation of mankind from their fellow Galaxy members were sown. Many eons ago, long before your recorded history, your soul energies found separation from that of the greater Brotherhoods and Sisterhoods of Light Beings. You began to live in a world of illusions and dreams. You began to see yourselves as separate from the rest of your galaxy, and from the rest of your universes. In dreamscape, you found yourselves on a small spinning orb at the far reaches of the Milky Way Galaxy, on the third planet from the Star Sol, on a little rock called “Earth.”
For thousands of years now, you have gazed out at the stars and wondered if anything were beyond you. You have created “Super beings” in your literature and scripture… both of Honorable and nefarious character. You have surrounded yourselves with the duality of both hopes and shattered dreams.
You mourn, you struggle, you weep… yet you, for the most part, then pick yourselves up and courageously walk into another day of your mortality. Within each and every last one of you is the spark of something that feels so beyond you in most of your waking moments. Yet it plays in your dreams, and weaves its soft webs around you in your unconscious states.
When it all gets to be too much, you come out, and you look to the stars. You look to the skies, and in your solitary hearts, you open your souls to the gods you have come to understand. In the darkest of your hours, you turn to that which is beyond you… intuitively. You seek that which seems beyond you for answers.
And in love… we hear the deepest moments of your hearts… your noble, blessed hearts and souls of wandering. And our souls are overcome with a deep compassion for you… all of you. And in deep honor and respect we send every ray of light and hope that we can offer you, for you are worthy of all that is.
You have forgotten, though. You are so young… so tender… and so unable, often, to see the very signs of our love all around you. You sleep with your eyes wide open, lost in the daydreams of lands of horror and terror. You are caught up in the webs of fear and despair, and know not where to turn for solace.
Children… little children of our deepest desires… it is written in your hearts. You have played long enough in the outer world of illusions and false hopes. Turn now to the inner song… to that which you have turned away from for aeons. Turn into your inner soul, begin the journey inside your memories, beyond the illusions of your current story, and look deeper into the past, and the pasts before those… for you are eternal beings. You have always been.
Do not complicate the process of learning “God Knowledge.” Let go of all of your descriptions and personalizations and generalizations of that which you fear or hope as God. God simply is. You simply are. Accept. Accept also, that all around you, all you see, is God. With this simple vision, it becomes painfully clear that your battles against each other are your battles with God. Does this not bring some clarity into the reasons for the misery of your lives now? What would happen if you were to turn from your fears of that which is beyond you and within you, and in simple honor, you embraced that which once brought you pain?
Would you not begin to find compassion? Would you not begin to find understanding? Would you not begin to find healing?
Would you not begin to finally realize the Godness within each and every thing that abounds? And with this knowledge, how would your world change?
We stand in waiting, willing, oh so very willing for you to drop the fears in your hearts, and turn your very honorable faces into our love/light embrace. We stand waiting to take your soft hands into ours, and walk with you into Joys you have long forgotten. For you are us… seed of our love… love of our hopes and dreams. We stand in waiting because you are, deep within each and every last soul… a noble race. You are Children of the Stars.
You have only forgotten. We stand, awaiting your remembrances of us… awaiting your awakenings. You may see embittered and vain and hopeless beings. We see the embryos of the Gods.
Remember.
Saturday, December 4, 2010
MY VERSION OF "IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE!"
I felt so strongly about sharing with those who have become followers of my blog (my fan base… yay!) a very deep and poignant turning point of my life in my last entry. It was something I also wanted to try to relive myself to put to words, because I think that all of us have our own Gethsemane’s to walk through in this life… and I find that whereas I am more than willing to share my inner soul, many around me are not so anxious or willing to. But I feel there are things we all can learn and grow from by pulling together not only the sorrows we are bound to feel in this world, but by being willing and open enough to share the Joys as well!
I pulled a Tao card the other morning called “The Joyous.” This is the energy I have surrounding me so often lately, and it is the thought patterns that helped me to create the preceding entry. I would like to share the paragraph that most touched me from the readings about this card…
Don’t be intimidated by joyousness. It is not something to be embarrassed about, so allow it to suffuse every fiber of your being. It is transforming by being uplifting and can soften even the hardest heart. The more joy is circulated, the stronger its fragrance becomes.
Joyousness is not naïveté; it is the outward expression of a free spirit, of innocence and purity, of the inner smile. Because joyousness bubbles up from within, it is not dependent on external circumstances, nor does it need recognition or gratification. …. Life is inviting you to stimulate and inspire, to spread the goodness. Under these auspicious circumstances, you can’t help but do so. (From the Tao Oracle by Ma Deva Padma).
IT’S A WONDERFUL LIFE!
It is December 4, 2010.
I am in a deeply satisfying mode in thought and spirit. I want to share it with my family. I want to share it with my friends. I want to share it with the world.
I reflect on my favorite movie of this time of year today. I am in touch with Jimmy Stewart’s character George Bailey in “It’s a Wonderful Life.” Like him, I have so many dreams within me, an exact knowledge of what it is I came to do with my life, but my outer circumstances have kept me in a small town, in a small place, doing something that I’ve never enjoyed doing or thinking about (he continues to operate the small savings and loan building his dad started… trying to give the ones he loves around him a chance to be something in their lives... I am stuck working with money and numbers when I want to build gigantic structures of thought and beauty, wanting to help others find the greatness within their lives...)
Through the greed of the Big Man, George’s close friend has lost (had stolen) nearly all that they had. His world is falling apart, and he can only respond with anger and frustration. He never lived in the world he wanted, and now everything in the world he has been given is falling apart.
He goes into a bar, and in one of the most touching parts of the movie, he says a prayer…
George Bailey: Dear Father in heaven, I'm not a praying man, but if you're up there and you can hear me
[begins crying]
George Bailey: show me the way... show me the way.
He is promptly rewarded with a punch in the mouth.
In a story that me, my family, and all of my friends… our country, our planet are involved in… the last few years have been just that. We all got a gigantic punch in the teeth for circumstances that we wonder what we had anything to do with.
This time of year I replay this movie and retell myself that my life makes a difference… that every life around me makes a difference, and what would be missing in my life if my friends had not been there for me! What would be missing in this earth walk if I had not been here either?
In the end, George Bailey finds out he is the richest man in the town, because he has friends who love and care for him! In the time when he is at the bottom, the miracle occurs in his life that opens his eyes to the love that he had been generating all his life, and it came back to him in ways he could not have expected!
My life is like that. My angel Clarence has been walking with me all of my life, and helping me to see what really is going on “behind the scenes” of my outer experience.
It is December 4, 2010.
I feel deeply loved, and I know somehow, that the troubles that surround my life are only temporary things, and that if I live one day at a time in a willing way, life's Love will help me to deal with them, and grow from them!
For myself, I have learned that I have always been in the right place, at the right time for me, even if my brain didn’t think so! So in the turmoil of the storms that surround me, I feel Joyous this moment, and so often in my life.
Sorrow is contagious. Anger is contagious. Frustration is contagious.
Joy is more contagious. Love is more contagious. Hope is more contagious.
It is the later that I would share with all that I love, but my angels have taught me, it first must start inside of me!
My favorite movie saying at this time of year comes from Tiny Tim in Charles Dickens “A Christmas Story.”
“May God bless us, each and every one!”
I pulled a Tao card the other morning called “The Joyous.” This is the energy I have surrounding me so often lately, and it is the thought patterns that helped me to create the preceding entry. I would like to share the paragraph that most touched me from the readings about this card…
Don’t be intimidated by joyousness. It is not something to be embarrassed about, so allow it to suffuse every fiber of your being. It is transforming by being uplifting and can soften even the hardest heart. The more joy is circulated, the stronger its fragrance becomes.
Joyousness is not naïveté; it is the outward expression of a free spirit, of innocence and purity, of the inner smile. Because joyousness bubbles up from within, it is not dependent on external circumstances, nor does it need recognition or gratification. …. Life is inviting you to stimulate and inspire, to spread the goodness. Under these auspicious circumstances, you can’t help but do so. (From the Tao Oracle by Ma Deva Padma).
IT’S A WONDERFUL LIFE!
It is December 4, 2010.
I am in a deeply satisfying mode in thought and spirit. I want to share it with my family. I want to share it with my friends. I want to share it with the world.
I reflect on my favorite movie of this time of year today. I am in touch with Jimmy Stewart’s character George Bailey in “It’s a Wonderful Life.” Like him, I have so many dreams within me, an exact knowledge of what it is I came to do with my life, but my outer circumstances have kept me in a small town, in a small place, doing something that I’ve never enjoyed doing or thinking about (he continues to operate the small savings and loan building his dad started… trying to give the ones he loves around him a chance to be something in their lives... I am stuck working with money and numbers when I want to build gigantic structures of thought and beauty, wanting to help others find the greatness within their lives...)
Through the greed of the Big Man, George’s close friend has lost (had stolen) nearly all that they had. His world is falling apart, and he can only respond with anger and frustration. He never lived in the world he wanted, and now everything in the world he has been given is falling apart.
He goes into a bar, and in one of the most touching parts of the movie, he says a prayer…
George Bailey: Dear Father in heaven, I'm not a praying man, but if you're up there and you can hear me
[begins crying]
George Bailey: show me the way... show me the way.
He is promptly rewarded with a punch in the mouth.
In a story that me, my family, and all of my friends… our country, our planet are involved in… the last few years have been just that. We all got a gigantic punch in the teeth for circumstances that we wonder what we had anything to do with.
This time of year I replay this movie and retell myself that my life makes a difference… that every life around me makes a difference, and what would be missing in my life if my friends had not been there for me! What would be missing in this earth walk if I had not been here either?
In the end, George Bailey finds out he is the richest man in the town, because he has friends who love and care for him! In the time when he is at the bottom, the miracle occurs in his life that opens his eyes to the love that he had been generating all his life, and it came back to him in ways he could not have expected!
My life is like that. My angel Clarence has been walking with me all of my life, and helping me to see what really is going on “behind the scenes” of my outer experience.
It is December 4, 2010.
I feel deeply loved, and I know somehow, that the troubles that surround my life are only temporary things, and that if I live one day at a time in a willing way, life's Love will help me to deal with them, and grow from them!
For myself, I have learned that I have always been in the right place, at the right time for me, even if my brain didn’t think so! So in the turmoil of the storms that surround me, I feel Joyous this moment, and so often in my life.
Sorrow is contagious. Anger is contagious. Frustration is contagious.
Joy is more contagious. Love is more contagious. Hope is more contagious.
It is the later that I would share with all that I love, but my angels have taught me, it first must start inside of me!
My favorite movie saying at this time of year comes from Tiny Tim in Charles Dickens “A Christmas Story.”
“May God bless us, each and every one!”
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
AN AWAKENING: AN ANNIVERSARY
Once you have discovered your hearts desires, and moved to meet them, the Universe works quickly to make them come to be. (A concept gleaned from the Holy Scriptures, The Secret, and Think and Grow Rich.)
It is December 1st, 1978.
I have been out of the military for about 5 months. I am a wreck. I am a drug addict, an alcoholic, and basically living a life that my natural mother’s husband calls “contemplating your belly button.” I am so focused on the hell in my life that I can’t focus on anything else. I left the family I grew up with down in Salt Lake City because they didn’t get me. I came to Boise to live with my natural mother knowing she would get what I was about. She didn’t, her then husband didn’t, and I certainly didn’t.
My half brother was in Jr. High at the time. He was about my only friend at that point in my life, and he was my drug connection. I spent every day I could getting high because life was hell, and I wanted to die and leave the crap I was living. I had probably been “praying for death” for over a year at this point… not in words, but certainly in deed. A month or so back the girl I had wanted to marry said she had other plans for herself, and I was devastated. I was now working at a job I seriously hated with all my heart and soul, and I was caught up in a world so full of contradiction and hallucinations that I had no idea what anything was about anymore.
Just before this day, I remember one night being in a cold fog out in the world, and hearing what in my mind were starships that had come to take every soul off of this planet and I was left alone to rot in my own hell. I screamed at the stars in anger, and wondered what the hell I had ever done to deserve the life that had come all around me, and was collapsing into a deep bondage.
Every day got only worse, and my mind was torn, shattered, and in a hell I would not wish on a Hitler or a Saddam Hussein.
I had scored a lid of Hawaiian Marijuana the night before. This morning, 32 years ago, I got up and got high with my half brother, then took him to pick up his little friends to take them to Jr. High. I was sharing my pot with all of them… my concepts of doing unto others that joy might flow back to you. After dropping them off I began on my usual pattern. I loved to help folks, even then. I picked up a hitchhiker on the freeway and we talked and smoked some, and I took him where he needed to go. Then I got back on the freeway.
I found another hitchhiker that wanted to go to California and score some cocaine. I had never tried cocaine, but I was willing to make the journey. My higher self/soul had other plans. By this time I was at a pretty high altitude with the pot in my head, and I found myself turning off exits back into the city. I had not intended such. I would try to head out to the freeway again, only to find myself turning back into the city. I had no idea where I was. My passenger was already doing something, and the paranoia came on strong. He started to tell me he had a knife. He started to use criminal language and persuasions I had never been exposed to.
It came to a point where when I looked at him I was “riding with Satan” and I was never going to leave the car alive, and he had come to take my soul away to hell. Trapped… mind swimming in a world so not of this world… so real, and painful, and the darkest place I had ever been in my remembrance. I had come to the end of time, and eternity waited for me, and it was going to be an everlasting walk in fire of spirit and mind and soul.
He stepped out of the car and I didn’t know why he hadn’t taken my soul with him. I saw my life end like a picture show at the end of a reel, when the frames just start to flap around with no meaning. I remember screaming… and I remembered no more.
THE END/THE BEGINNING
A deep peace surrounded me. A quiet and serenity I had never ever felt, but remembered from somewhere. All I felt was a LOVE that one cannot put into words, but one who has felt that will certainly know what it is I try to express. Visions and motions began coming again into my conscious mind. I remember my mouth hurt, but then it didn’t matter. I felt bodies around me. I opened my eyes and saw the tears in a young man’s eyes, and felt like I was being hauled away to be put into a casket. The Peace again. Then awakening again, and I found myself in an ambulance with a woman, and then the darkness again.
It is December 1st, 1978, and I have awoken in a hospital room. The doctor and nurse see that I am okay, and begin the process of letting me get ready to go home. It is early evening. My mother and her husband have been contacted, and Jim has come to get me. He is not happy with me. I don’t think he had ever been happy with me. He tells me that my car is in a lot completely ruined, that the people that had pulled me out of my car had wondered how I had even survived. (I had only bit my lip.) He tells me that the woman that had been in the ambulance with me had been loading a van with her brother when my car crashed into her, and had circumstances just been a few inches different, she would have been killed. He told me that witnesses said I had come out of a side street into a major highway, and that I had been hit by two different cars, but the worst that anyone had gotten was a kid that hit me that said he had had worse pains on a football field.
He said that I was damn lucky, and that if I didn’t get sued I would be even luckier still. He said I never should have survived the wreck.
No one ever found any marijuana in the car, nor did they test me for drugs or alcohol. Apparently when “Satan” left, he took the pot with him, and in so doing, may have really been the Angel in my life at that time, working to answer the prayers I had been saying to come take my damn miserable life.
“Are you sure this is what you really want!”
Life changed around me quickly. My mother and her husband had no idea how to deal with me. My dad and my stepmom made arrangements to get me back home to Salt Lake City for the Holiday that year. My short life in Boise was over. I was later to realize that many things “came to an end” that day in December of 1978.
Early in 1979 my dad took me up to the VA Hospital to begin outpatient drug and alcohol rehabilitation that was supposed to be my life for the next 6 months. He did the most significant thing of my life that morning. He told me that he loved me. He was not a man who expressed much emotion in words at all. I don’t know if he ever really knew how. That made the moment so important and special to me. It was something I had never doubted in my life by his actions. It was something I had never heard him put into words.
Once you have discovered your hearts desires, and moved to meet them, the Universe works quickly to make them come to be.
I made up my mind to make a new life for me that day. I worked on every concept I was being taught up at that clinic. Within 3, not 6, but within 3 months my therapists felt I was ready to go back into life again, with new tools and skills to help me on my journey. I enrolled at Snow College for the spring semester of 1979 in March. I went down there, living with my cousin 1 month my junior as we attended our classes down in Ephraim. I lived in Mt. Pleasant, a block or two from where my dad had grown up with my Grandpa and Grandma and all his brothers and sister. I was at home… in my families roots.
In April of that year I was introduced to a girl that would soon become a good friend. By the end of Spring quarter we had seen a lot of each other, and we came back to our parents homes in Murray, and began dating.
It is December 1st, 2010.
I have been married to my best friend Laurel for nearly 31 years now. Last night we celebrated my oldest boy's 30th birthday with his friends and my other son and his wife, and with my daughter. They are all grown now. And I am proud of them, and love them and my good friend Laurel more than I can put to words.
A new life started for me on that December day in 1978. When I put into my heart what I really wanted, the Universe worked very quickly to make it happen.
When the student is ready, the Master appears.
It is December 1st, 1978.
I have been out of the military for about 5 months. I am a wreck. I am a drug addict, an alcoholic, and basically living a life that my natural mother’s husband calls “contemplating your belly button.” I am so focused on the hell in my life that I can’t focus on anything else. I left the family I grew up with down in Salt Lake City because they didn’t get me. I came to Boise to live with my natural mother knowing she would get what I was about. She didn’t, her then husband didn’t, and I certainly didn’t.
My half brother was in Jr. High at the time. He was about my only friend at that point in my life, and he was my drug connection. I spent every day I could getting high because life was hell, and I wanted to die and leave the crap I was living. I had probably been “praying for death” for over a year at this point… not in words, but certainly in deed. A month or so back the girl I had wanted to marry said she had other plans for herself, and I was devastated. I was now working at a job I seriously hated with all my heart and soul, and I was caught up in a world so full of contradiction and hallucinations that I had no idea what anything was about anymore.
Just before this day, I remember one night being in a cold fog out in the world, and hearing what in my mind were starships that had come to take every soul off of this planet and I was left alone to rot in my own hell. I screamed at the stars in anger, and wondered what the hell I had ever done to deserve the life that had come all around me, and was collapsing into a deep bondage.
Every day got only worse, and my mind was torn, shattered, and in a hell I would not wish on a Hitler or a Saddam Hussein.
I had scored a lid of Hawaiian Marijuana the night before. This morning, 32 years ago, I got up and got high with my half brother, then took him to pick up his little friends to take them to Jr. High. I was sharing my pot with all of them… my concepts of doing unto others that joy might flow back to you. After dropping them off I began on my usual pattern. I loved to help folks, even then. I picked up a hitchhiker on the freeway and we talked and smoked some, and I took him where he needed to go. Then I got back on the freeway.
I found another hitchhiker that wanted to go to California and score some cocaine. I had never tried cocaine, but I was willing to make the journey. My higher self/soul had other plans. By this time I was at a pretty high altitude with the pot in my head, and I found myself turning off exits back into the city. I had not intended such. I would try to head out to the freeway again, only to find myself turning back into the city. I had no idea where I was. My passenger was already doing something, and the paranoia came on strong. He started to tell me he had a knife. He started to use criminal language and persuasions I had never been exposed to.
It came to a point where when I looked at him I was “riding with Satan” and I was never going to leave the car alive, and he had come to take my soul away to hell. Trapped… mind swimming in a world so not of this world… so real, and painful, and the darkest place I had ever been in my remembrance. I had come to the end of time, and eternity waited for me, and it was going to be an everlasting walk in fire of spirit and mind and soul.
He stepped out of the car and I didn’t know why he hadn’t taken my soul with him. I saw my life end like a picture show at the end of a reel, when the frames just start to flap around with no meaning. I remember screaming… and I remembered no more.
THE END/THE BEGINNING
A deep peace surrounded me. A quiet and serenity I had never ever felt, but remembered from somewhere. All I felt was a LOVE that one cannot put into words, but one who has felt that will certainly know what it is I try to express. Visions and motions began coming again into my conscious mind. I remember my mouth hurt, but then it didn’t matter. I felt bodies around me. I opened my eyes and saw the tears in a young man’s eyes, and felt like I was being hauled away to be put into a casket. The Peace again. Then awakening again, and I found myself in an ambulance with a woman, and then the darkness again.
It is December 1st, 1978, and I have awoken in a hospital room. The doctor and nurse see that I am okay, and begin the process of letting me get ready to go home. It is early evening. My mother and her husband have been contacted, and Jim has come to get me. He is not happy with me. I don’t think he had ever been happy with me. He tells me that my car is in a lot completely ruined, that the people that had pulled me out of my car had wondered how I had even survived. (I had only bit my lip.) He tells me that the woman that had been in the ambulance with me had been loading a van with her brother when my car crashed into her, and had circumstances just been a few inches different, she would have been killed. He told me that witnesses said I had come out of a side street into a major highway, and that I had been hit by two different cars, but the worst that anyone had gotten was a kid that hit me that said he had had worse pains on a football field.
He said that I was damn lucky, and that if I didn’t get sued I would be even luckier still. He said I never should have survived the wreck.
No one ever found any marijuana in the car, nor did they test me for drugs or alcohol. Apparently when “Satan” left, he took the pot with him, and in so doing, may have really been the Angel in my life at that time, working to answer the prayers I had been saying to come take my damn miserable life.
“Are you sure this is what you really want!”
Life changed around me quickly. My mother and her husband had no idea how to deal with me. My dad and my stepmom made arrangements to get me back home to Salt Lake City for the Holiday that year. My short life in Boise was over. I was later to realize that many things “came to an end” that day in December of 1978.
Early in 1979 my dad took me up to the VA Hospital to begin outpatient drug and alcohol rehabilitation that was supposed to be my life for the next 6 months. He did the most significant thing of my life that morning. He told me that he loved me. He was not a man who expressed much emotion in words at all. I don’t know if he ever really knew how. That made the moment so important and special to me. It was something I had never doubted in my life by his actions. It was something I had never heard him put into words.
Once you have discovered your hearts desires, and moved to meet them, the Universe works quickly to make them come to be.
I made up my mind to make a new life for me that day. I worked on every concept I was being taught up at that clinic. Within 3, not 6, but within 3 months my therapists felt I was ready to go back into life again, with new tools and skills to help me on my journey. I enrolled at Snow College for the spring semester of 1979 in March. I went down there, living with my cousin 1 month my junior as we attended our classes down in Ephraim. I lived in Mt. Pleasant, a block or two from where my dad had grown up with my Grandpa and Grandma and all his brothers and sister. I was at home… in my families roots.
In April of that year I was introduced to a girl that would soon become a good friend. By the end of Spring quarter we had seen a lot of each other, and we came back to our parents homes in Murray, and began dating.
It is December 1st, 2010.
I have been married to my best friend Laurel for nearly 31 years now. Last night we celebrated my oldest boy's 30th birthday with his friends and my other son and his wife, and with my daughter. They are all grown now. And I am proud of them, and love them and my good friend Laurel more than I can put to words.
A new life started for me on that December day in 1978. When I put into my heart what I really wanted, the Universe worked very quickly to make it happen.
When the student is ready, the Master appears.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Finding the Diamonds around us
I had an interesting experience yesterday, that I've probably actually had most of my life, and it has caused me to think and ponder about something that I feel has been a big stumbling block for me for a long time...
Since I can remember I've always wanted to be a well known writer. I've felt in my heart so many things that I want to bring to someone else’s eyes and share with them. I have spent literally hundreds of hours with paper and pencil and music, and now a keyboard and a word processing program, mastering my craft, and honing my skills as a poet/philosopher/lyricist. I remember in junior high sitting in a class as we analyzed "The Sounds of Silence" by Paul Simon and thinking to myself someday I want to have my work studied in schools and people touched by my writings as much as I was touched by the writings I came across.
Yesterday on Facebook, a very good friend of mine sent me a list of the 15 most influential writers in her life, and I am to turn around and do the same. It is a fun game, and helps me learn a lot about the folks that I love, and share with them a little more about me, and I'm glad to do such things, but I wasn't on her list, and though I kidded her about it, in a way, I was also hurt inside. My friend in no way intended anything by the list than to share with me what she loves, and she certainly didn’t intend a hit to my ego! The ego is all mine, and my responsibility to deal with, and work through!
But it is a common feeling I go through. One I have come to recognize for the ego that it is and perhaps that is a good thing to help me keep my feet on the ground.
As a fun thing for me, she had actually listed one author twice that we both love, so she said that I could step into the 10th spot where the second listing was, and that she did feel that I belonged there, and it made my heart sing!
And I feel like this is a selfish thing on my part... sometimes.
I do realize that most authors will never meet the folks whose lives they influence or touch, so they write for other reasons as well.
Yet I have often kept my dream in the back closet, hidden, because sometimes I think that others around me don't appreciate enough the hard work, the deep thoughts, the time taken to record so much, and most of it sits in my computer while I work on things with less meaning in my life so I can appear normal, or be what I think others think I am. But mostly, it is on hold because I need to make a living!
As I look around me, I find so many of us in the same situation. We have so many gifts inside of us that our daily living puts on hold so we can get by surviving life.
I also know I do very much the same thing… it wouldn’t have occurred to me if I had been her that I had even taken it the way I took it! And I know I have said things to others that were meant one way, but probably heard another way!
I think sometimes that I have spent too much time trying to fit into other people’s molds of me rather than truly letting the gifts I have shine out. And I wonder about how others have felt about the masks they may feel I am superimposing on them.
I remembered this morning something I read in the Bible once. Christ told his disciples that a prophet is not recognized in his own country.
Now I won't even pretend to be comparing myself to His level... but my point is that I think we overlook the abundance of the gifts in others that are around us sometimes because we are too close to the people in our lives and we tend to see the faults and things that ought to be corrected in them and we often overlook the things that they are truly gifted at… on any level.
I think mostly about my children, whom I’ve had to play the parent card on so many times that I often overlook the gifts they may also be hiding from me because I’m demanding more “perfection” from them in their daily lives.
It seems natural to me that we to look to folks we don't know as our inspiration, our guidance, our influences, our hero's, and I think the reason is we aren't around them enough to see their flaws and their human sides.
I can be so much this way. I can name the musicians that have influenced my life, the athletes, the authors, the politicians... but in reality, the people that have influenced my life the most are the common folks that are all around me in my everyday life. Most, if not all of us, will not make any grand statement on the big stage, but everyone of us are making an impression on everyone that comes into our lives.
And so I am trying to look much closer for the Diamonds that are in the rough, but are beginning to shine all around me! If your eyes come here, you certainly are one of them! The blogs I read, and the time I spend with you in business, or in play, or in emails or chats, or in living with... those are the things that have the most lasting impression on me! I am grateful for the many wonderful folks in my life!
As I think about my own dreams, and what I know is inside of me, I think of the many times that a word or expression from someone close to me has closed me down just as I was beginning to bring my dreams out into the forefront. In reality, the only one that can choose for me to feel the way I feel is me, so I bought into the naysayer’s, or the critics, or the apathy towards what I am trying to share, and I am solely responsible for keeping my heart on the back burner.
What I am also thinking about this morning is what I may have said or done to others to shy them away from the dreams in their hearts! Each of us has a gift that no one else has. Each of us has a piece of the puzzle that will make us great if we share. It is my prayer this morning that I remember to honor the diamonds around me, no matter how rough they may seem to appear to me right now…You really are the hero's of my journey.
(And I hope this friend can forgive me for using her as an example in this blog, but she has been one of the greatest gifts in my life for a very long time, and whether she knows it or not, one of my most favorite inspirations!)
Since I can remember I've always wanted to be a well known writer. I've felt in my heart so many things that I want to bring to someone else’s eyes and share with them. I have spent literally hundreds of hours with paper and pencil and music, and now a keyboard and a word processing program, mastering my craft, and honing my skills as a poet/philosopher/lyricist. I remember in junior high sitting in a class as we analyzed "The Sounds of Silence" by Paul Simon and thinking to myself someday I want to have my work studied in schools and people touched by my writings as much as I was touched by the writings I came across.
Yesterday on Facebook, a very good friend of mine sent me a list of the 15 most influential writers in her life, and I am to turn around and do the same. It is a fun game, and helps me learn a lot about the folks that I love, and share with them a little more about me, and I'm glad to do such things, but I wasn't on her list, and though I kidded her about it, in a way, I was also hurt inside. My friend in no way intended anything by the list than to share with me what she loves, and she certainly didn’t intend a hit to my ego! The ego is all mine, and my responsibility to deal with, and work through!
But it is a common feeling I go through. One I have come to recognize for the ego that it is and perhaps that is a good thing to help me keep my feet on the ground.
As a fun thing for me, she had actually listed one author twice that we both love, so she said that I could step into the 10th spot where the second listing was, and that she did feel that I belonged there, and it made my heart sing!
And I feel like this is a selfish thing on my part... sometimes.
I do realize that most authors will never meet the folks whose lives they influence or touch, so they write for other reasons as well.
Yet I have often kept my dream in the back closet, hidden, because sometimes I think that others around me don't appreciate enough the hard work, the deep thoughts, the time taken to record so much, and most of it sits in my computer while I work on things with less meaning in my life so I can appear normal, or be what I think others think I am. But mostly, it is on hold because I need to make a living!
As I look around me, I find so many of us in the same situation. We have so many gifts inside of us that our daily living puts on hold so we can get by surviving life.
I also know I do very much the same thing… it wouldn’t have occurred to me if I had been her that I had even taken it the way I took it! And I know I have said things to others that were meant one way, but probably heard another way!
I think sometimes that I have spent too much time trying to fit into other people’s molds of me rather than truly letting the gifts I have shine out. And I wonder about how others have felt about the masks they may feel I am superimposing on them.
I remembered this morning something I read in the Bible once. Christ told his disciples that a prophet is not recognized in his own country.
Now I won't even pretend to be comparing myself to His level... but my point is that I think we overlook the abundance of the gifts in others that are around us sometimes because we are too close to the people in our lives and we tend to see the faults and things that ought to be corrected in them and we often overlook the things that they are truly gifted at… on any level.
I think mostly about my children, whom I’ve had to play the parent card on so many times that I often overlook the gifts they may also be hiding from me because I’m demanding more “perfection” from them in their daily lives.
It seems natural to me that we to look to folks we don't know as our inspiration, our guidance, our influences, our hero's, and I think the reason is we aren't around them enough to see their flaws and their human sides.
I can be so much this way. I can name the musicians that have influenced my life, the athletes, the authors, the politicians... but in reality, the people that have influenced my life the most are the common folks that are all around me in my everyday life. Most, if not all of us, will not make any grand statement on the big stage, but everyone of us are making an impression on everyone that comes into our lives.
And so I am trying to look much closer for the Diamonds that are in the rough, but are beginning to shine all around me! If your eyes come here, you certainly are one of them! The blogs I read, and the time I spend with you in business, or in play, or in emails or chats, or in living with... those are the things that have the most lasting impression on me! I am grateful for the many wonderful folks in my life!
As I think about my own dreams, and what I know is inside of me, I think of the many times that a word or expression from someone close to me has closed me down just as I was beginning to bring my dreams out into the forefront. In reality, the only one that can choose for me to feel the way I feel is me, so I bought into the naysayer’s, or the critics, or the apathy towards what I am trying to share, and I am solely responsible for keeping my heart on the back burner.
What I am also thinking about this morning is what I may have said or done to others to shy them away from the dreams in their hearts! Each of us has a gift that no one else has. Each of us has a piece of the puzzle that will make us great if we share. It is my prayer this morning that I remember to honor the diamonds around me, no matter how rough they may seem to appear to me right now…You really are the hero's of my journey.
(And I hope this friend can forgive me for using her as an example in this blog, but she has been one of the greatest gifts in my life for a very long time, and whether she knows it or not, one of my most favorite inspirations!)
Friday, October 1, 2010
And a Final Dream to consider...
And thoughts about dream weaving...
The Ultimate Dream-weaver
Now is the time
to live
in the perfection
that you dream.
In the mind
we hear
the chatter of the day,
the noise of life,
the past, present, and future
of the limited journeys
we have chained ourselves to.
We chain ourselves
to our stories.
In silence,
(empty of all of
our own
emotions, joys, fears, visions,
expectations,
triumphs, and disappointments…)
In silence
we hear
the dreams and realities
of God.
Now is the time
to live
in the perfection
that you dream.
In God’s dreams,
you are already perfect.
BKBushman 10/17/2006
Now is the time
to live
in the perfection
that you dream.
In the mind
we hear
the chatter of the day,
the noise of life,
the past, present, and future
of the limited journeys
we have chained ourselves to.
We chain ourselves
to our stories.
In silence,
(empty of all of
our own
emotions, joys, fears, visions,
expectations,
triumphs, and disappointments…)
In silence
we hear
the dreams and realities
of God.
Now is the time
to live
in the perfection
that you dream.
In God’s dreams,
you are already perfect.
BKBushman 10/17/2006
Another Dream... Not so Morbid!
For other dreamer's who may understand:
To Sleep, Perchance to Dream…
I place my jammies on my bod,
and kneel for evening prayer,
then quickly jump into my bed
to meet the sandman there.
I snuggle quickly in the sheets
the pillow gets a fluff,
and soon I drift in silent mode
to deal with vision stuff.
T’is there I meet with dog and cat
who chase me down the street,
but nowhere do I go with speed,
for something drags my feet.
Now quickly doth the vision change
at church, at speaking, I
now find myself delivering speech
in jockey shorts and tie.
Yet no one finds this strange or weird
and quickly am I now
in wonderment at how I came
to be in love with cow.
Then at alert, with open eyes
I thought that I had fell,
from off a cliff, or off the bed
My heart beats fast as well.
Yet snoring comes so quick again
and flying off I go
to rescue dear fair maiden sweet
whose face is white as snow…
Her ruby lips I softly kiss
and whisper sweet her name,
then wide awake I come with hurt,
My wife’s not named the same…
With aches and groans I fall asleep,
to horrors yet to be,
I light my self a cigarette
not one, nor two, but three
Now visions speed and visions twist
where nothing quite remains…
the imps who write my nightly scores
are playing with my brains.
Hark, now some lovely beauty comes
to dance a tease… I sigh…
yet when her dance is finished,
she is just another guy.
Then monster comes into my view
with drooling in it’s jaw,
Yet fear is nil, I see that he
is just my mom in law.
I only hope to wake real soon
I pinch myself with pain,
and glory be, I find that I
am late for work again.
(I can’t wait until tomorrow night…)
BKBushman 3-9-2006
I place my jammies on my bod,
and kneel for evening prayer,
then quickly jump into my bed
to meet the sandman there.
I snuggle quickly in the sheets
the pillow gets a fluff,
and soon I drift in silent mode
to deal with vision stuff.
T’is there I meet with dog and cat
who chase me down the street,
but nowhere do I go with speed,
for something drags my feet.
Now quickly doth the vision change
at church, at speaking, I
now find myself delivering speech
in jockey shorts and tie.
Yet no one finds this strange or weird
and quickly am I now
in wonderment at how I came
to be in love with cow.
Then at alert, with open eyes
I thought that I had fell,
from off a cliff, or off the bed
My heart beats fast as well.
Yet snoring comes so quick again
and flying off I go
to rescue dear fair maiden sweet
whose face is white as snow…
Her ruby lips I softly kiss
and whisper sweet her name,
then wide awake I come with hurt,
My wife’s not named the same…
With aches and groans I fall asleep,
to horrors yet to be,
I light my self a cigarette
not one, nor two, but three
Now visions speed and visions twist
where nothing quite remains…
the imps who write my nightly scores
are playing with my brains.
Hark, now some lovely beauty comes
to dance a tease… I sigh…
yet when her dance is finished,
she is just another guy.
Then monster comes into my view
with drooling in it’s jaw,
Yet fear is nil, I see that he
is just my mom in law.
I only hope to wake real soon
I pinch myself with pain,
and glory be, I find that I
am late for work again.
(I can’t wait until tomorrow night…)
BKBushman 3-9-2006
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