WRITER'S BLOG

Hello Bruce... and anyone who might wander along.

I spend much of my life thinking about being a writer/musician... and spend most of my life doing accounting. For many years this was an extremely frustrating situation for me. In my youth I could see myself traveling... on stage... writing all the time... always touching lives... and how my ego thrived on the visions. I sure didn't care about the money so much as the fame... and the dreams I could visualize! Actually made it to semi-pro as a musician... traveled all around the southwest with a Military Band...

...then in about the early 20's (my early 20's... which were actually in the late 70's!) reality set in. I was not fond of the military. Oh, I had been writing during most of that time... but at that age, "Emo" had set into my writings (I learned this word a few years ago from my daughter about kids who dwell on drama...) (and like to wear black).

So I chose the safe path. My second love had been numbers... and I am pretty sure a good part of my decision to be safe is that I really wanted to be a father. So I met a gal, got a degree, and began a career.

I won't go through all the wonderful drama of that game! That's not the reason for this post! But around it all I would come back to the late night, early morning from time to time when my muses play, and would write again.

For a while in the mid to late 80's the writings got very dark, as did my thoughts, and there finally came a night when we had a ceremony to burn all that negative energy... my little family who for the most part probably didn't quite understand why dad had to do this...

When I get writing... I get writing... and I get very deep and attached to only that... while my 'normal' life takes a beating, and I feel like I let my family down. Time after time I put my heart's desire back on the shelf to fit into 'reality' but sooner or later the writer within me has to come out and play.

Some time ago I began to hear about, and then learn about balance. About the need to express both in my life. I'm still not the best about it... but getting lots better.

We've been watching "The Waltons" series on television lately. I pay close attention to John Boy, because I was exactly where he was at 17. I loved writing more than anything, and could lose myself in it. But whereas he is a story teller, I tried to tell the stories of the heart through poetry. I began what I called "A Poet's Journal" and have been adding to it for over 30 years now. On and off. When life allows... and that is never as much as I have always wanted.

I have met becoming musicians who have put my words to music. I have heard my words in song, but not by anyone who had the power to make them go very far. A friend of mine put together enough music some time ago to play a concert for my mother, wife and kids for over an hour... and it touched me deeply.

I have a sister in law who put music to one of my writings once... and has played it from time to time herself, but doesn't really have time, like me, to help it go anywhere.

About 3 years ago I began to feel the power of the internet. And all these writings I have been putting together time after time in new ways as our tecnology changed finally got a chance to come out to the light of day a wee bit.

I began using e-mails to send my deeper thoughts. I have always through all of this wanted to touch lives that were hurting... and let us all know that we are okay... even though a lot of days I don't really believe it myself sometimes!

So many early mornings I come to the keys, and I will close my eyes and begin. I'm glad I learned typing, because I will write by feel for a long time before I open them again, hearing the inner song of my heart, or the inner song of the music of souls. And when I open them and read, I am more amazed every time. It is one thing to write... an experience I have no words to express... it is another thing to come back later and read... and wonder how such could come through these hands.

I still feel like I am going nowhere sometimes in my dream. So I go back to "reality" and try to play the game of numbers, and I am better at it... and don't mind it on many days, but I come back to feeling like I'm not really fullfilling the purpose I came here for... to touch lives...

And then one day I shared my dream of healing with a client of mine, and she said that every time I came up to do her books, I was healing them financially... and all of a sudden it was okay to be in that world as well.

I wish I knew how to share in a huge way, though. I get feedback about how some I share with have folders now dedicated to my writings... and I am deeply touched, and feel once more that maybe others are starting to hear what I have deeply felt.

I hear a story from time to time that a writing of mine has gone out further than I have ever dreamed it to for a loved one who is struggling and could use what was written. And then it becomes even more important to come back to the keys now and try to touch the inner music I hear so often, and put words around it to come into someone's life.

Last year I won a contest and was invited to go to Las Vegas to accept an award, and meet poets... but I couldn't afford to go, nor could I get in touch with the sponsors, who I felt for the most part just wanted my money anyway. But my ego dwelled on it for some time... the awards, the acclamations... and I had to come to my heart to ask myself why it is I write...

Do I want the fame and glory? And part of me will go off dreaming of such and get caught up in that story for a bit... until I come back to me and realize that I really write to touch lives, not to accept awards. And I go back to my struggle in 'the real world' and watch as young kids selling hatred and fear put gold around their bodies and live in big cribs, and I get angry that the world is so, and that the market sells trash and I decide that I would rather be poor and touch lives where I can, and play the safe game of working in an acceptable fashion for money.

And then I wonder if I am touching any lives at all.

So as I sit here alone in the early morning... some days I feel like I'm just spinning. And so I go back to 'reality' to be safe again... but the writer in me always returns...

So Bruce... if no one is listening out there (and you know better now!), at least you are listening as you write, and hope and dream. And your world is a better place because you are learning from your heart! You feel inside that this is a wonderful place to be... and it is so!